Crashing All Around Me

There is a part of me that just wants to run. Go for my daily run, listen to some good music, enjoy a good cup of coffee, a nice meal, and read a good book. Take a day and ride my bike, drift off in my daydreams under the open window. Grow vegetables, play with the cats, watch a football match. Take in a walk, and do nothing.

There is another part of me that is filled with regret and (near) frustrating rage at how I screwed it all up for myself. It's the same part that doesn't want my life to be meaningless and filled with idle pursuits. It's the part of me that wants to DO something. Anything. To have a career or a calling. To find myself making a difference, no matter the size of that difference. Big or small. One person or millions. That person in me wants to let this gig go, and step into something that I know I can do, and something that will provide for me and mine so I don't have to worry anymore. Worry about the future, worry about children in that future, worry about never seeing Europe again.

I want to fall apart right now. I want to break down. These are the times when I feel useless. I'm relatively lucky, but so... Unfettered that it's precarious at best. I have made so many improvements, yet I feel so lost. I have so much in most of my life, but have voids that are deep and vast in other parts.

I don't know what I want, and I don't know how I'd go about doing it anyhow.

I am actually scared to death over all of it.

Comments

[KarenO]

I've been where you are - I wish I had some words of wisdom to tell you how to get to where you want to be, but the path is different for everyone. Please take some comfort in knowing that you are loved and valued by your MN family.

[Michael Van Kerckhove]

I hear you, my friend. And you have love coming from the SB as well. :-)

Once I finish my Whitman paper and this semester, I can catch up on emails and phone calls. Oh. and get ready for our trip.

Talk soonishly....

[John Cramer]

Man, you get too far into that territory, you call me, and fucking post haste. Because as you well know, I established that neighborhood; and though this may hurt a little, you are not welcome.

Seriously. To that sentiment, I am comfortable relating. I know these forums are the chalkboard for self-expression, and you need all the room in the world to do just that. Just know that you can always call me if you ever feel so inclined, if venting in public isn't enough.

I can handle it. Killer.